Locusani: Revilani
by Sugary Snicket
Summary: The exile is over. But while the torment may be over, the story is not. There are things left unsaid, things left undone, vines left unwoven... Semi A/U. Spinoff of Locusani: Saavedro's Tale. Rated T.
1. Prologue: Dreaming

Locusani: Revilani

Prologue

_Entry One._

_I had the most horrible nightmare last night. It was awful. I dreamt that I was trapped, that I was back there again…_

_I dreamt of ice._

_Ice everywhere, closing so thick around me. Robbing me of my senses…_

_There was no escaping it. I couldn't move, couldn't stop its dreadful, sluggish flow through my limbs, through my veins, into my heart, stabbing at it again and again like jagged, icy daggers. I felt so alone…_

_So alone…_

_And yet, I wasn't. There was a girl there, perhaps no older than sixteen or so. She was staring at me, her gaze a strange, cold mix of pity and disdain._

_I tried to call out to her – so very hard I tried! – but I could not. Each time I opened my mouth to speak, I felt my tongue freeze and my mouth close. Again and again, I tried to yell, to shout, to scream the words echoing wildly through my head, the words I had screamed for years._

_Help me…_

_Help me. Two simple words, and yet I could not say them. I could not plead for her to stay, to save me._

_And she did not stay. I watched as she stepped away from my chilling, crushing prison and finally left altogether, leaving only the roar of the link behind her…_

_I awoke screaming. Tamra tried to calm me, to tell me it was alright, that it was over and I was safe, but still I could not shake the dream from my mind._

_I have not felt such fear of a dream since my exile, nearly three years ago._

_Three years…_

_Has it really been only three years? Three years since I gained freedom from my imprisonment, from my madness?_

_It seems so distant a thing now. J'nanin and all the ages, the pain, the darkness, the Fog… and yet it is right in front of me. Right here, in the hammer lying on the shelf. Right here, in my very memories. Right here, in the scars etched into my skin._

_It is part of me. All of it is a part of me. And it very nearly consumed me alive. It easily could have. I was so wretched, so helpless…_

_All it would have taken was one wrong move. All it would have taken was for me to have completed my revenge, or killed Atrus or the girl, and my descent into madness would have been complete. I would never have been the same man again._

_Never._

_I have tried, repeatedly, to put it behind me, to forget, but I cannot. The bad mingles with the good. Fate has woven the vines of my life's tree into a strange and intricate pattern of dark and light, and that is the one thing that I can never hope to fix._

_Yet still I think about it, dwelling on what I cannot change. And the more I think about what could have happened, the more I think about what could have gone wrong…_


	2. chapter One: Plans

Chapter One

"Saavedro?"

Tamra entered the house, having returned from a brief trip to the market for supplies. The baskets in her arms were heavy with brightly-colored fruits and various fish and shellfish for dinner.

"I am home, _ami soule,_" she called, setting the baskets down.

She received no answer.

"Saavedro?" She called again, a bit worried.

Tamra's face fell. It was not like Saavedro to leave without telling her. She picked up the baskets of food and took them into the kitchen, where a small note on the table, written in her husband's familiar sharp handwriting, dispelled her fears. Carefully setting the baskets of food on the table, she picked up the note and read it.

_Tamra,_

_I have gone to visit the girls at their new homes over on the edge of the Rift. I took them some of the bread you made. I am sorry I did not tell you sooner, _ami soule. _I did make the bed and do the sweeping, and I should be home before dinnertime._

_Always yours,_

_Saavedro_

Tamra smiled and set the note down. Their two girls had only married a few months ago, and now they were beginning to settle in with their new husbands. They were nice young men, responsible, kindly, and most importantly, loving towards their wives.

Tamra looked to the sun outside. It was mid-afternoon, a little after lunchtime. She would store the dinner supplies and cook them later, but for now, she had a little time to rest.

Brushing her long red hair away from her face, she started towards the main room and her current project – Spirit Masks for her daughters' homes. She had been working on them for quite some time, taking care to make each one as different from each other as her daughters were. Even with all of the time and effort she had put into them, however, they were still only half-way finished.

She was about to retrieve her supplies and the half finished masks when something caught her eye: a small, deep green journal. Gingerly, she picked it up. This, Tamra knew, was her husband's journal and sketchbook, which he wrote in almost every night. His previous one, he said, had been lost during his exile, and since he had needed a new one anyway, she had made and bound him a new one. Tamra smiled as she remembered how excited he was to see it, and how he immediately began to sketch and write in it when she gave it to him.

Curious to see what he had drawn, she flipped it open to the first few pages. Numerous sketches of her, small animals, lattice trees, planned murals, and other things covered the pages.

Smiling, she flipped a few pages forward, stumbling onto a written entry.

_I am sure that Saavedro wouldn't mind,_ she thought as she glanced over her shoulder towards the door. Her solitude assured, she began to read.

_Entry Two._

_I have been wondering a lot about myself lately. I ask myself questions._

_For instance, am I really sane now that I am home? Am I really so stable, with all of the horror I went through and the things I heard, the things I saw? Should I talk to someone about this? How can I tell Tamra what I've been through?_

_I also wonder if I could truly ever bring Atrus any harm. If I could ever do what I planned to do, I mean. After all, I could have killed him, and probably would have if the girl hadn't helped me. Sometimes, I wonder if I would have even if she did._

_And what of her? What if she made the wrong decision; chose the coward's way out? The book to Tomahna was right there, right in her hands. She could have so easily simply left at any time. She could easily have linked out, despite my warnings._

_What did it matter to her if I could easily follow her back?_

---

I wait patiently in the bunker, watching the girl work. The inner shield is open, and she has long ago left through it. Perhaps she is not as stupid as I thought…

The squee begs to differ.

_She will not listen to your warning, Saavedro,_ it hisses. _I do not trust her…_

Patience, my furry little friend. Fear runs strong in her, and frightened people are more willing to listen. As long as she believes that she is stuck here –

_But fear makes a person irrational as well. You, of all people, should know this by now._

Oh, yes…

Yes. I know. I know all too well…

_And you fear her, don't you?_ _You are afraid that she will not listen. You are terrified that she will find the linking book back to –_

And if she tries to leave, I will kill her. A Narayani does not go back on his promises.

_Promise or not, she cannot be trusted,_ said the squee. _She cares not for your promises. She will leave you here to die…_

I felt a sickly feeling of terror wash over me. She wouldn't. She couldn't just _leave_ me here, not here. Not here, in this icy tomb, with no way out and no hope of escape…

Calm yourself, Saavedro. Now you are the one being irrational. You _do_ have a way out, remember? The Tomahna book. And the girl will not leave you here, because she is too afraid of what might happen if she does.

I hear footsteps from below, and I turn quickly to see the girl standing with her back to the bunker's small window. She seems to be holding something, but I cannot tell from this angle.

Suddenly, she disappears with a shifting, roaring sound, dropping the small green book as she linked.

I can't believe it. She didn't believe me when I told her not to use the book! She didn't take my warning seriously!

_No no no no my plan is falling apart!_

The squee merely laughs its strange, rough laugh, mocking the foolish hope I had placed in the girl.

_You see?_ it said tauntingly._ She is young and restless. She acts on impulse! I told you she would not listen, but did you believe me? No!_

Shut_ up!_ I am getting thoroughly sick of your running commentary…

I peer angrily at the Releeshahn book in my hands. All the hard work I had put into taking it, all of the time spent setting up traps and planning… all for nothing!

… Wait… the book. It's still there, lying on the floor where she dropped it when she linked out. The cover is even open – I can see the glowing panel from here.

And if my hand should just so happen to slip _onto_ that panel, then I might just drop Releeshahn as I linked…

I smirk. Yes… yes, that's _exactly_ what I'll do…

I exit the bunker and go downstairs. The inner shield is still open – she hadn't even bothered to make sure I could not follow before she left. Just outside, lying on the ground before me, is the book.

I withdraw my hammer and grip it tightly. Holding Releeshahn over the edge of the tree, I lean down and touch the panel.

The screaming begins as the roar died down, yet the girl reacts far too slowly to my entrance. I swing the hammer at her head, watching as it collides with a sickening _smack_ and sends her crumpling to the ground.

And there… _there_ is Atrus, he and his wife, just beginning to run from me. I follow, leaving the girl lying on the ground as blood pools around her head like a crimson halo.

I overtake Atrus first, but his wife somehow circles around and kicks me. Angrily, I strike at her arm, causing her to gasp in pain and fall back, her broken arm dangling uselessly.

"Catherine!" Atrus yells, desperately trying to fend me off. "Leave! Take the baby and leave!"

She looks pained, but that may be due to her injury.

"But… what about…?"

"I will be fine, my love! Just go – take Yeesha to Myst, take her to Tay; it doesn't matter. Just get her somewhere safe!"

She gives him a longing look, then runs out of the room, holding her broken arm awkwardly.

I do not follow her – after all, it is not _her_ that I want. My target is here, right here in front of me, helplessly pinned to the wall.

I lock eyes with Atrus, my gaze burning into his. His face appears worried, and nothing more, but his eyes radiate fear. They have the same glossy sheen and dilated pupils as those of a trapped squee that has seen its doom. Did Atrus see his?

He must have, for he gave me a feeble, nervous smile and a pleading look, as if a ghost had appeared before him. He shuddered only slightly, just enough that I could feel it, just enough to betray the terror lying under his cool demeanor.

"Hello," he said, his voice cracking from fear. "May I ask who you are and what you are doing here?"

Oh, poor little squee, scrabbling in my trap!

"Hello, Atrus," I replied, grinning. "You remember your old friend Saavedro, don't you? You remember how we first met that fateful summer day in Narayan, don't you?"

He stays silent for a long time, a look of vague recognition dawning on his face. Finally, shakily, he opens his mouth to speak.

"… M-my friend?" he asked, frightened. "W-what happened… to…?"

"What _happened?_" I spat. "Your _sons_ happened, Atrus! Your _mistakes _did this to me! Twenty years of misery and torment did this to me! And you wonder _why_ I seek to destroy you when _you_ were the one who let those two monsters run free! It's your fault! _All of this is your fault!_"

I see red, and within moments, Atrus is on the ground, holding his ribs in agony and gazing up at me in sheer terror. I feel myself calm at seeing him so defeated, my fury cooled by icy-sweet vindication. He knows, now. He knows that he is doomed, that he will suffer at my hands and has no hope of escaping his fate. Yet I will not harm him. Oh, no. I have a far different plan in store for him, a far darker fate…

Slowly, I circle around him, never letting him out of my sight and allowing no room for escape.

"Now," I said calmly, "Since we are such _good friends,_ and since friends will gladly do things for each other, I have a little favor to ask of you – a little job for you, as it were." I stopped just in front of Atrus and leaned down to his eye level, smirking as I watched him shrink back.

"I want you to undo what you have done," I said. "I want you to fix the mistake you have made. You will do everything I say, exactly when and how I say it, or things will not fare well for you. Is that clear?"

Atrus nodded apprehensively, and I felt the cold, empowering wave of justice sweep over me yet again. He could easily open the shields and see the damage for himself, first-hand. And if that didn't drive him to despair, I could easily do much worse…

"Good," I responded. "Now find your book to Narayan – there is much that I must show you, and much that you must do."

"… R-respectfully, my friend," Atrus said shakily, "I am unable t-to rewrite a destroyed world…"

I slapped him, hard. He fell back, eyes wide in pain and fear.

"Lies!" I spat, grabbing Atrus and dragging him to his feet. "I will show you what you have done to my world first, and when I have shown every detail and done to you every agonizing thing that was done to me, _then_ you will rewrite Narayan. Every mistake you have made, you will fix. Every horrible thing you have done, you will undo. And by the time I am finished with you, you will be no better off than I am now. Now find the book to Narayan!"

I throw him to the ground in anger and watch as he struggles to his feet and searches through his books, muttering to himself and glancing back at me. I watch, calmly, as he searches and finally finds a purple book, then lays it open on his desk. The panel glows solemnly, and just as solemnly, I grasp his wrist and place his hand onto the panel.

He cautiously looks around as we arrive, his eyes darting from place to place to avoid looking into my own. He looks to the linking book still lying outside of the still open shield, but I hold fast as I walk over to the book, dragging Atrus behind me.

"You see this shield, Atrus?" I asked, pointing to the shield before us. "You see how thick and bitterly cold it is? _You_ built this, Atrus. Because of this shield, I cannot even have closure that my world lives. I am _trapped here_ because of _this shield._ But you will see soon… The power is already on. Go enter the last symbol, you alone know that. Once the outer shield is up, stay there. And if you try anything…"

I brandish my hammer menacingly so Atrus gets the point, then lead him into the main room, set him near the second control panel, and walk back to the forgotten linking book.

"I'll just keep _this_ with me until you finish. I'll be waiting upstairs."

---

It took Atrus less than five minutes to finish the job. It took me twenty years and five minutes of pacing, waiting, wondering when I would see this sight, the marvelous, wonderful sight of red light pouring into the room to wash over me, the light of a _still living_ Narayan. And as much as I wanted to run to it, to embrace it forever, I still had one thing left to do. One single, small act of punishment for the man who had made me wait so long to see my home again…

I turned to face him, eyes locked on his, my mind swirling with so many thoughts of both hope and darkness. Neither of us dared to move or break the tense silence by speaking, and so the tension merely gathered like so many storm clouds, waiting to burst and spill their torment.

They broke at last as I calmly walked towards Atrus, stopping perhaps a few feet from him. He flinched slightly, and I felt a sense of dark satisfaction at his fear of me.

"Slight change of plans, Atrus," I said, smirking. "I'm giving you one last task. One final job for you to do. Do it, and I might just give you your precious book back."

Atrus' eyes widened at the word _book_. I almost laughed at his expression. He was so tense, so very eager to have his brethren back, and so completely under my control. It was a staggering thought – was this what it felt like for him when he thought up his failed plan to ruin Narayan? Was this what it felt like for his sons when they sadistically tormented me and left me to die?

I couldn't resist pushing him further. I showed him the Tomahna book, which I had brought downstairs with me, and his eyes became all the wider as he stared at the one escape route that was just out of his reach.

"… Saavedro, I fixed the shields," Atrus pleaded, sounding for all the world as if I had broken his heart. "What more do you need me to do? Please… please just give me the book and let me go home…"

"Oh, you want this?" I taunted, nearly laughing. "You want to go home, Atrus? Switch the shields so I can go out there. While I'm out there, drop the outer shield. I will be able to go home, and I'll give you the book."

Atrus reached out to take the book, and I just barely let him touch it before I pulled it out of his reach again. His face fell only slightly, the barest hint of desperation glimmering in his eyes.

I didn't bother to suppress my laughter this time.

"Not yet, Atrus. Not yet. You insisted on starting this game twenty years ago, and now you'll just have to wait your turn."

His eyes never wavered from the cover of that book for a fraction of a second. Not even as he slowly, carefully flipped the switch. Not even as the inner shield dropped and I began to back through the doorway.

I eagerly watched as the shield switched again, and as soon as it finished, Atrus approached the grill.

"The book?" he asked, his voice just barely above a whisper.

But I was already backing towards the gondola and holding the book out over the swirling pink sky below.

"Oh, but I never told you _which_ book you would be allowed to keep!" I shouted back. "You see, I want the choice to be yours and yours only, Atrus. It just wouldn't be fair of me to take your right to choose…"

He stared blankly at me, his face a mask of disbelief.

"Which do you choose?" I taunted. "Tomahna or Releeshahn? Your home and family, or your people? You can't have them both, Atrus. Choose one, and you leave empty-handed. Choose the other, and I drop the only route home you have and tell you _exactly_ where Releeshahn is."

He stared at me in dismay, clearly feeling the sting of betrayal, and, knowing that he had been defeated, reluctantly deliberated on the question. After what seemed like an eternity, he slipped his hand into his pocket a moment and pulled out a small, silver key. A faint spark of hope flickered in his eyes and faded as he slowly looking back up at me.

"Please," he murmured, his voice filled with a strange mixture of confidence and dread, "Where is Releeshahn?"

I grinned widely and dropped the linking book.

"I'll give you a hint, Atrus," I said, barely containing my glee. "Your only way back just followed it."

A terrible, dark sort of shock fell over him, and the color drained from his face. He repeatedly shook his head, as if to dispel the horrible truth from his mind.

I set the gondola moving, and as I sailed back towards home, the only sound I heard was that of Atrus' futile pleas for freedom.


	3. chapter Two: Deviate

Chapter Two

_Entry Three._

_It is amazing how much I have changed since my return. I am not the same man that I was twenty years ago, so innocent and naïve. I am not the man that I was three years ago, pacing around in the tower on J'nanin. I am not the same person that stood behind the grate on the shielded tree, waiting and fearing the brown-eyed stranger who ultimately saved me. I am an older, wiser person now, tainted and changed by my torment._

_And still I change. Still I wonder. Still I learn._

_I have learned much from that stranger. She gave me my life back, yes. But she also gave me kindness, not out of pity, but out of understanding. I remember her pained look as she watched me start to fall again, the fall I thought would doom me to misery forever. I remember the tears sliding down her face as I stepped into the gondola._

_She taught me how to heal myself and move on, how the condemned wrongly judge everyone with a cynical eye. She showed me how much holding a grudge can hurt, how much wanton revenge could hurt. She dragged me back, wounded, from the very edge of insanity, and still insisted that I would heal._

_Most importantly, though, she gave me hope. She gave me faith for the future, told me that I would someday be safe. She taught me that not all of my enemies are truly enemies; that not all people wish me harm. She was so young, and yet she _knew_… Somehow, she knew that I only wished for one thing, that I never wanted to hurt anyone._

_Perhaps she was the Weaver in disguise, trying to teach and guide me. Perhaps she was a mere woman, a girl thrown into something that she could not ever have suspected that she would take part in. I may never know. But I owe her everything – she gave me another chance, she gave me life and freedom again._

_And to think that I could have easily betrayed her…_

---

Go. _Do it._ Open the outer shield and set me free. I have been waiting for this moment long enough!

_She seems to want more information…_

What more _information_ is there to give, little one? It is a simple task, and if she is smart enough to solve Atrus' mindtraps, then she is certainly smart enough to do this one little thing for me...

I watch as the brown-eyed girl approaches the grill, getting far closer to me than she probably wants to be at the moment. She has done this several times, deliberating, pacing, glancing from me to the lever and back to me again.

What does she want? To suddenly clasp my hand in hers and say, "I hate Atrus, too – let's work together to eliminate him forever"? Does she honestly expect me to give her all of the answers?

I step towards her, my eyes fixed on hers. She shrinks back slightly, intimidated, and I give a pointed nod towards the controls.

_Go. Free me. Switch the shields before I'm forced to do something _very_ bad to you…_

She gets the point and leaves.

Good.

I resume waiting. My thoughts swim inside my head frantically, like fish caught in a whirlpool…

_They're alive they're alive they're alive oh Weaver have mercy THEY'RE ALIVE._

I pause before the gondola momentarily, my gaze set on the lock-bound book in my hands. It feels so heavy, so ominous and disgusting. I want to rid myself of it. I want to toss it into the icy expanse below and never see it or any of Atrus' kin again, but to do so would ruin my chances of ever getting home. How else can I bargain with a woman who works for a lying, backstabbing snake?

_Home Family Tamra Home…_

Shut up! I am _thinking…_

_So close… so very, very close…_

You know what, little one? I think I liked you better when you were alive. At least you were merely an animal then, desperate to evade my traps, trying simply to survive.

_Are you really any better?_ the Squee hissed. _You, Human Animal, are a creature, just as I once was. Are you not merely trying to survive as well, or does your kind call it something else? Are you not –_

Shh. I hear something…

I hear a soft, shuffling sound, like the wind through a plant's leaves. A meek shuffling, and a cautious voice murmuring a word, a single word…

My name. It speaks my name…

"S-Saavedro?"

What is it?

"Saavedro?"

What do you want? I have nothing to give! I will not allow you to trick me, not when I am _so close_ to the end of this! I refuse to play your ridiculous excuse of a mind game, you stupid child. That is how I got here, trapped and miserable, hanging onto my last feeble, foolish vestiges of hope.

I turn.

"What are you doing?"

My eyes meet hers, and in them, I see a faint glimmer of fear, just beginning to border on sheer terror. And yet she does not act on it. Perhaps her fear of me – of what I might do – is at fault for that.

"I-I think I can help you," she stutters – barely. "But you have to –"

"Go back inside and drop the outer barrier. Do it, or I _swear_ I will drop this into oblivion..."

I hold Releeshahn out over the edge of the tree, hoping and praying that she gets the point.

She does. I watch unblinkingly as she slowly backs towards the door, radiating an aura of panic. She eventually retreats into the building, and I once more point to the lever and resume waiting. Hopefully, she will stay there and not test me again. I am getting irate…

_She is bold, that girl,_ says the Squee.

Yes. Yes, she is – a little too bold, perhaps. And if she gets much bolder, she might try to confront me with a weapon.

_Ah, but you would never let that happen, now would you?_

Never…

I finger the handle of my hammer, the thin hide grip worn by age and use.

No, of course I would not let that happen. She wouldn't get very far if she did. Besides, she surely could not be rash enough to cross me _again,_ after I had just warned her of what might happen if she did…

The sound of footsteps derails my train of thought. They sound close. _Very_ close…

I look up suddenly, only to find the girl standing next to me, even closer than she was last time. Why is she taunting me so? _Why?!_

_Speak of the snake, and the snake will strike…_

"What?" I yell, fighting the desire to toss her over the edge of the tree, "You don't think I'm _serious_ about destroying Releeshahn?"

_I will. By the spirits above, I _swear_ that I will!_

"Look, she said, obviously attempting to keep her voice from shaking, "I'll get you out of here, but you need to give Releeshahn to me first."

_And then she leaves you here to rot…_

No! _Never…_

My grip tightens on the book as I hold it over the abyss once more.

It's not working.

_Too bold…_

"Drop the barrier," I warn, anger and fear creeping into my voice, "Or I _will_ drop this!"

She does not move, her gaze full of fearful defiance.

I begin to reach for my hammer.

She tenses, but stays standing.

I shake the book.

Still she does not move.

I begin to move towards her.

She panics and gives a tiny, shrill squeak of terror as she runs back into the main room.

Good girl. Now _stay back there_ and do what I asked. So help me, if she comes out here again…

_She is far too bold, Saavedro,_ the Squee warns. _Kill her now, before she gets out of hand..._

I am not a murderer.

_And yet you killed me. Tell me what difference there is._

She is a sentient being; you were an animal stupid enough to fall for an obvious trap.

_Ah, but she has done far worse to you than I have._

Shut up! I will not kill her, not unless –

Footsteps. Echoing footsteps…

_WHAT DO YOU WANT?!_

I turn, only to find her standing before me again, stupidly shaking in fear even as she attempts to speak.

No. Not you again. I will make _sure_ you do what I have asked of you! I will make _sure_ that you do not bother me again!

The world is engulfed in red…

I run at her, Releeshahn swinging at her head…

She screams only once, but her cry is interrupted by a sickening _smack_ as the book hits its target…

The world slowly becomes normal, and my anger slowly dissipates into shock and horror as I realize that the girl is now lying before me, motionless and silent.

Oh, Weaver… what have I done?

I kneel next to her, guilt crashing over me and making my stomach churn. Gently, almost cautiously, I feel for a pulse, my hands shaking as if I were cold.

Yes! She is alive – I feel her pulse, faint though it is.

She lives. I am not a killer…

But that also means that she will eventually awaken. And if she is kept attached to her job…

Oh yes. _Yes…_ That's _exactly_ what I'll do…

---

She awakens, slowly. I know. I've been watching her from the gondola for hours. I continue watching as she brings her hand to her head, moaning in pain.

I can't resist.

"Good morning, girl!" I call in mock-cheer. "You took quite a nasty blow to the head last night. You're very lucky to be alive after a smack like that…"

She turns her head, slowly opening her eyes as she does so, and sees the Tomahna book lying on the floor not more than arm's reach from her.

"I figured that you would also like to go home," I sneered. "Bit of a reach, though. You'll have to stretch to get it."

"R-Re… Releeshahn…?"

"It's in your pack already," I lied, shoving the book to the front of the gondola with my foot.

She seemed to accept it, or at least some part of her did, and she began to reach for the Tomahna book.

It was only after she had tripped the lever that she realized that I had tricked her. She looked in alarm and confusion from the open shield to the rope binding her arm to the lever, and finally to me, watching as I calmly started the gondola and just as calmly kicked Releeshahn out of the vehicle and into the pink abyss below.


	4. Chapter Three: Black

Chapter Three

_Entry Four._

_I feel guilty._

_I do not know why, but I feel awful for even thinking of doing what I did, for the dark imaginings that filled my mind back on J'nanin._

_I thought of sorrow. Half-formed memories and thoughts of home, of my lost life, of my dear, sweet Tamra all but clouded my head and slowed my thinking. It became hard to put my brush to the paper. I could not draw. I could not create. I felt like I was losing myself. It was as if the Weaver Herself had abandoned me, leaving me floundering without my raft of inspiration. I felt so helpless, so lost…_

_Her eyes… Her eyes were my breaking point. When I looked upon the half-finished portrait on the wall, I saw emptiness where her beautiful emerald eyes should have been. I knew then that I had finally lost my vision, my purpose for being. I was gone._

_I thought of revenge. I thought of reasons to hate those who had done this to me, ways to punish them in the most painful way possible, ways to repay them with the same kindness that they had shown to me. It filled the holes that sorrow made with bitterness and darkness. It began to overflow and consume me, and soon I was little but bitterness. I thought of pain. I thought of rage. I thought of murder._

_I remember that I felt that same rage when I first discovered that the girl had come instead of Atrus. But, inexplicably, I also felt hope. One small glimmer of hope, a faint, flickering star in the endless night that dominated me. That hope only grew when I saw Narayan alive. The darkness begged me not to trust her, but I was so sick of it by then that I did not listen._

_Perhaps that was for the better. Yes, she trapped me, but she released me soon after. Trust rewarded with trust. I easily could have killed her if one thing had gone wrong, and yet she made the choice that she felt was right. She did not and could not fully trust me, but she trusted me enough to save me from a terrible fate._

_And yet I am still so unsure, and I still feel guilty for thinking of what I could have done to her had she made so much as one mistake…_

---

I stare, astonished, at the misty pink horizon, so warm and friendly. The great green lattice trees are like so many beacons of light from here, like port lanterns beckoning to a boat at sea.

It is beautiful.

It calls to me, awaiting my return.

It is my home.

_Alani…_

She had done it. The girl had opened a door for me, had opened the outer shield and become the key to my world, my life…

And yet she taunts me with it. She is baiting me, setting treacherous hooks into the troubled waters of my soul and hoping to ensnare me with them.

_She will destroy you…_

I am well aware of that, little one. I know that she only wishes to strand me again, to leave me floundering as a fish plucked from the ocean and strung up by the gills.

She frightens me. I do not know why. Something about her – maybe her subdued attitude, or her dispassionate, incredulous gaze – terrifies some small part of me. I do not trust her. I do not trust anyone…

_Ah, but fear runs deep in her, as it does in all beings,_ whispered the Squee. _She fears you. She fears your anger. See how she freezes when you set eyes upon her? Fear begets irrationality, Saavedro. Use it._

I see… Play on her fear, her uncertainty… Make her do what I want her to do…

It is ingenious. She'll never know what hit her.

I look to her, eyes scanning her face for emotion. Save for an uneasy aura, she is placid.

If this does not work…

I close the outer shield and, clenching Releeshahn close to me, start towards her.

She flinches, but does not move.

"You see," I said, my voice as dispassionate as the expression on her face, "I still have something he wants. Something that he sent _you_ to bring back for him."

I am mere feet from her, and still she does nothing. Where, after all, can she run to? Where can she possibly hide that I cannot find?

I step a bit closer and show her the cover of the lock-bound book, staring at her intensely.

"The Releeshahn book."

Calmly, as I would have done for a struggling student of mine, I order her to open the outer shield while I wait out by the gondola. Only then do I leave her to her task and take to pacing slowly, back and forth, stopping only to look in on her through the tough lattice vine grill. Just a small pause in my rhythm of waiting. Just enough of a pause to let her know that I am watching…

Several minutes passed before I turned to look at her again. She was taking far too long, deliberately trying my patience yet again. She stood in front of the grate, her calm-yet-panicked brown eyes watching me intently, calculating… something.

_She is testing you…_

I know that. And she will not do it any longer.

I stare at her hard, holding up the book.

_Come now, girl,_ I think. _I know you desire to bring this back to Atrus, your false friend. Do as I say…_

She looks a bit nervous, but does not move.

I start towards her. She is beginning to grate on my nerves, tenuous and taut as they are.

She is gone before I have even taken three steps.

Good.

I resume waiting.

---

A sudden roar, like that of a mechanical monster, breaks the icy stillness, rending through air and soul alike. Fearing the worst, I turn to see…

_Ice._ I am surrounded by ice, encased and stranded betwixt the outer shield and the orb-like inner shield. Slowly, a horrifying realization dawns on me.

I am trapped.

Great Weaver, I'm _trapped…_

I feel very cold…

An icy numbness floods me. I open my mouth to scream, but hear no sound. Wispy tentacles of Fog tightly grip me, slowly squeezing the life from me and pulling me to my knees. _Submit,_ it whispers. _Let me take you away from here… You need never suffer again if only you let me take you…_

Yes… Oh yes… Please free me from this misery… please…

I feel watched…

I look up, sight blurry from salty droplets tracing wet tracks down my face.

The girl. She is there. She could save me from this wretched trap of ice and fear…

"Oh please, no," I beg as I begin to stand. "Please… don't do this to me. Not when my family could still be alive out there…"

The Fog begins to grip me again, determined to drag me back into despair.

I _can't_. I _can't_ go back there, not now, not when I am so close to home. I must use this rare moment of release to call for help while I still can…

_The book!_ whispers the Squee, its voice drawn perilously thin by terror. _Use it!_

What are you…? Oh. _Oh._ I see – she wants Releeshahn from me. Maybe if I…

"Here," I say, holding the book out to her. "You want the book? I'll give you the book..."

_Submit!_ yells the Fog as it wraps about me again. I strain to stay focused… Must not let it take me… not yet…

"Just… please… _please_ don't do this."

She is placid… always placid…

It comes… It pulls at me, grips me, begins to drag me back…

"Please don't leave me trapped here like this! I _can't_ do this again! _I can't!_ I…"

_No… Let go of me! NO! No, no, no…_

I am ice. The blood in my very veins has frozen solid. My heartbeat slows, and the sound echoes hollowly in my ears.

_Submit…_

Yes… please… take me…

_Why did you even try?_

… I do not know…

… I…

A roar builds inside my head, threatening to burst forth and consume me in a wave of sound. It grows louder, shattering ice and bone; tearing through the Fog.

I look up to see…

Ice.

_The door,_ hisses the Squee. _It is open…_

But… I don't understand. Why would she…?

I look up to see the girl. She is staring at me in mute horror, awaiting my next move.

_She… did this… to you…_

I know…

_She must pay for her betrayal…_

She must pay… they _all_ must pay!

Anger, hot and searing, rises in me. It fills my core, burning like an ember in a fire, tinting the world blood red...

I run through the door with the speed of a predator bearing down on its prey. The hammer in my hand is such a dark, heavy weight...

My footsteps clatter on the metal stairs as I run, each a harbinger to the doomed girl above.

There… I see her…

Her face is a look of sheer terror as she runs towards the locked bunker, hoping to reach safety as I run at her, my hammer raised to strike…

She fumbles vainly with the lock, willing it to open, desperate to escape death…

The hammer collides hard with her head, crunching sickeningly as her temple caves in under the force of the blow. Not a sound escapes her lips as she falls, bleeding, to the floor. She never even got the chance to scream.

I pant heavily and stare at her lifeless body, yet I strangely feel no remorse as I do so.

Oh, Atrus… see what you made me do? See what your torturous game has turned me into?

Blood spatters my robe and face; it drenches my hammer and drips onto the floor. Fearful, red liquid seeps through the holes in the metal grill, slowly trickling onto the cold vines below.

I smile bitterly and reach for the book in her hands, the green linking book that she will never have the chance to use. Perhaps a proper burial is in order. Surely, Atrus will want to know what became of his lackey…

I holster my hammer in my sash and set the book on the floor, the cover open to display the shining linking panel. Carefully, I walk over to the girl and gather her corpse in my arms, her blood seeping into my robe as I walk back over to the linking book.

Pity. Bloodstains are so terribly difficult to get out…

I kneel and touch the linking panel, feeling the familiar, sickening lurch spread up my arm and through my body.

I arrive in minutes, slowly walking towards the door.

I look to the girl. Her eyes are open, staring towards the heavens without seeing, staring at me lifelessly.

I stop in front of the door, waiting for it to open.

Atrus' wife is first to answer.

"By the Maker, you -"

Her ear-splitting shriek cuts off her words, and she stands staring, in mute, pale horror, at my gory burden.

"Catherine, my love! What is - ?"

Atrus trails off, and his eyes go wide with horror. The color slowly drains from his face as his wife clings to him, trembling.

"Yahvo have mercy," he whispers, his voice strained by fear.

I look up from the dead girl in my arms to the terrified man before me, feeling a grin slowly creep across my face as I finally speak to the man who left me stranded for twenty years.

"Hello, Atrus."


	5. Chapter Four: Embrace

Chapter Four

_Entry Five._

_It is truly amazing that I am safe at home only three years after my torment ended._

_It cannot have been luck. It could not have been. The Weaver was watching over me that day, along with the spirits of my ancestors. They must have been._

_That girl… that girl… she had to have been the Weaver incarnate, testing me, seeing if I could still trust after so much pain and betrayal, if I was truly grateful for help…_

_I am grateful. Oh, I am so very grateful…_

_Spirits, it could have been so different. The more I think of the possibilities, of how it all could have ended, the more I realize just how fortunate I am. I might have killed someone, or been killed, or worse._

_Oh, Weaver above. What if the girl had trapped me and left me to die there?_

_It would surely have been my undoing._

_And Tamra…_

_Spirits, no… I would never have seen her again…_

---

All is lost.

I know it is.

I've heard it. The sound of despair…

It came to me as a rending, shifting growl, a strange, cold symphony of cacophony and fear. It filled the soul with ice and froze my heart solid, echoing endlessly and hollowly through the still air. It was the sound of fate sealing and of darkness descending. It was the sound of a bitter end approaching. It was the sound of the ice shield freezing – the sound of my doom.

… _the end the end the end the endtheendtheendtheendthend…_

Endlessly and fearfully the Squee whispers, a small buzzing gnat lost in the roar of a vicious beast, in the roar of my screaming, in the echo of my words…

_No! NO! No, no, no, no…_

… _theendtheendtheendtheend…_

Stop this! Stop… please… just stop _screaming…_

But I cannot. I cannot stop screaming, for my very soul will not stop screaming. The years of agony and the pain of the strange girl's betrayal are too much, a heavy, deadly strain on my already tormented mind.

Great Weaver, She who trims life's lattice and weaves the fate of men, how much more of this must I take? How much more _can_ I take? I fear already that I am fading, that the Fog has won and taken me far from light and love; far away from Tamra, who may live yet…

_Tamra… no… So close, so close to me, and yet so far…_

Will I ever see you again? I fear not.

_Ah, ma Naray…_ I've failed you. The steward of Atrus has his book, and I have nothing. I can't even avenge the wrongs done to you, though you live yet; I can't go home, I can't save my people, I can't do anything right…

What good am I, then, this shell-man, fallen so far from grace? What good is the girl beyond the lattice grill, staring at me and holding two books, one that she found and the other that I gave her with no other choice? What good is she, with her blank, pale face and hungry eyes, staring at the Releeshahn book in her hands?

_nothing,_ hisses the Squee. _nothing… all for nothing… she has no pity. not for you. not for anything._

I don't believe that! She is human; she must feel. Something I did, something I said _must_ have gotten to her. A message, a mural... something. Anything…

_It must have. Oh please, please, it MUST…_

I look up at the girl, fighting through the Fog that shrouds my mind and blurs my vision. She sits right in front of the grate, eyes fixated on the green book, eyes hungry, eyes hollow…

_she will leave you here…_

Quiet. She will not. She _can't._

"Please… Please, you _can't…_"

It's a small plea, a half-whispered, half-murmured cry for help, but I swear she hears it. I watch, through Fog so thick I can hardly breathe, as the girl raises her head to look at me, her face expressionless.

_Pale. Blank. Blank as the Fog…_

Slowly, she lifts the Releeshahn book, that dark prize that I would have died to destroy. The lock gleams silver against the scarlet cover, a sharp dagger lying in pooled blood. It disappears into the stranger's weathered pack, and with it, my heart sinks.

_you see, Saavedro? she's packing up. she's _leaving_ you…_

No. No, she can't! Oh, please, she can't…

But it is the truth. The green linking book in front of her is already open; her face glows coldly in its garish light…

_No!_ I shouted mentally. _NO!_

The cry is so loud, louder even than my screaming, louder even than the roar of the link, loud enough to summon the Fog, that infectious storm that pours into me like water and cocoons me in despair and doubt.

I feel... _numb…_

I cannot move. I cannot think. I cannot even remember why I'm lying here like this…

I feel the Fog devour me… So fast it is, and yet so very, very _thorough._

I am nothing. Truly nothing. I am nothing but salty tears and uncontrolled sobbing, nothing but wasted hopes and shattered dreams, nothing but a small, fading light in an endless dark void. The end, Saavedro. There is no happy conclusion, no gentle and kindly savior waiting to rescue you. You are so lost in the Fog that you can no longer find the way out, not ever. And this is the miserable thing that you call _life?_

_Then why do I live, if life is misery and fear? Why do I allow myself to suffer so? Why do I keep struggling to escape like a trapped and wounded squee?_

There's no reason. There never _was_ a reason; I see that now. Why, then, do I continue to subject myself to such anguish? Why didn't I spare myself the torment and launch myself from the tree when I first saw that Narayan was dead?

_But it isn't._

It doesn't matter now. I do not belong in Narayan anymore. I am enslaved, bound heart and soul to J'nanin, to the Place of Learning, the Place of Lost Souls…

And I cannot even go back there now. It's impossible. The linking book back is gone, lost forever in the blaze I started in Atrus' study. There isn't even a way to open the shield. And the book, the green book back to Atrus' home? It is just out of my reach, mere inches away from my outstretched arm, sitting in the middle of the floor, taunting my misfortune and I.

It is no use. I am permanently stuck, forever trapped between orbs of ice filled with numbing Fog.

_there is one way out…_

Little one? You know of an escape from this hellish fate?

The Squee is silent.

… Little one, please. Speak to me. What is this escape?

The Squee is silent.

Wearily, I struggle to my feet, feeling as a man plucked from one nightmare and dropped into another, far more horrific one. I stare at the gondola – no, past it, past it to the empty space between ice and tree.

_The one escape I have…_

The Squee chuckles slightly, a cold hiss like an icy snake.

_The one escape…_

Slowly, I feel myself drawn towards the edge of the tree, to the edge of oblivion. Carefully, curiously, I peer over the edge, staring down at the bottom of the frigid sphere so far below me. I feel as if I am poised on the edge of a knife – a small, insignificant thing on both edges of disaster. If I fall one way, I will surely perish; if I fall the other, I will perish slowly. What is a man, let alone a man so weak and lost that he is more a child than a man, to do?

_escape…_

I cannot fall that other way.

_escape…_

Slowly, I turn away from the edge. It is so hard, so hard to ponder and plan one's own downfall.

May the Weaver protect me from myself. For the only way I can end this is through the Weaver's own kindness. Perhaps… perhaps She will help me. I already feel her warmth wrapping about me, wrapping about me like a golden blanket.

_She is coming… She will save me…_

I close my eyes. An infidel like me is not worthy enough to set eyes on his savior.

The Squee is silent. Either it is in awe at what awaits me in the Weaver's Realm or it has simply given up.

I slowly let myself tilt back, falling into nothingness, into that transient void. I feel the air rush past my face, gently cradling me, the shattered, fallen man.

I smile. Tamra…

_Tamra... We will meet again someday. Do not weep for me, _ami soule._ I will wait for you, and welcome you with loving arms when it is your time. I do not die, dearest one. I live…_

The icy bottom of the shield seems so close now, so close…

It rushes up to greet me…

… And I laugh.


	6. Epilogue: Rebirth

Epilogue

Tamra set the journal down, lost in thought. So different… so open in his words. More open than would be welcome were they to speak of it aloud.

_Saavedro…_ she thought, her mind a flurry of questions. _No wonder you are always writing in this… it takes these dark thoughts out of your head and puts them onto paper, where they can no longer bother you… But why did you not tell me about this? Are you afraid I will be disgusted if I ever find out, or do you merely feel the need to keep these thoughts to yourself? Are you –_

"Tamra? _Ami soule?_"

Tamra turned to find Saavedro standing in the doorway, their two daughters standing behind him with their new husbands.

"I knew how busy you would be with dinner," Saavedro said, walking into the house. "So I picked up the girls and brought them over in the gondola."

"Oh… Thank you," she responded, walking to the door. A smile crept over her face as she peered outside. "Well? Where are my two young vines?"

Sírla sprinted in, carrying a basket of something, which she quickly set on the floor near the door. Her husband, a lean yet muscular man with dark hair, followed her at a more reasonable pace, his sea green eyes afire with mirth at his wife's enthusiasm.

"Please, my Seabird," he said playfully. "Do not wear yourself out before you have even had dinner!"

Sírla gave him a loving smile and walked back over to him, flinging her arms about him as if she were a child embracing a parent's legs.

"Oh, Kavo," she murmured, her words only slightly slower than her usual quick speaking pace. "You know me well enough by now to know that I simply cannot stand still!"

Kavo laughed, a rich, rolling sound like that of the sea's tide, and wrapped Sírla in his arms.

Tamra chuckled and peeked outside to find Telaa and her husband standing politely at the door as if afraid to enter.

"Well?" she asked playfully. "Are you two going to come in, or must I drag you inside myself?"

"Hello, mother," said Telaa, her voice as soft and lilting as it had always been. "Taalo, come in…"

Taalo entered quietly, clasping hands with Telaa. He was a quiet, kindly man, yet his very aura seemed to give off strength and confidence. His deep, soulful blue eyes were ablaze with spirit and determination.

_He always reminded me of myself as a young man,_ thought Saavedro as he sat down and opened his journal to a fresh page. He watched a moment, smiling in amusement as Tamra gave the new couples the intricate Spirit Masks that she had been working on. Why, Sírla looked like a nervous squee hopping up and down in excitement like that! Telaa, ever the quiet thinker, accepted the gift a bit more calmly, looking at the mask fondly as if she had just received the most wonderful of antiques.

Tamra looked to Saavedro, smiling. She knew now why he was so secretive – and she would speak with him later tonight. For now, he needed time to relax and reflect and heal himself – not only needed, but deserved.

Saavedro looked up at her and smiled back, then chuckled to himself slightly and set his brush to the paper, calmly putting his thoughts into words.

---

_Entry Six._

_I think I am beginning to understand._

_My exile was fated to happen. It was not my fault, nor was it Atrus' fault. It was not even his boys' fault, though they were the ones who instigated it to begin with. The Weaver wove that strange, painful chapter of my life for me, and all men must yield to Fate's pull. Why She wove this terrible tragedy for me, I do not know. Perhaps to make me stronger. Perhaps to test me._

_Whatever the reason, it has changed me. For better or worse, it has changed me. I am not the man I was. I am, perhaps, something a bit better._

_My only regret is that it took me three years to realize this._

_I am slowly finding my place in Narayan again, slowly beginning to live my life again, as it should be lived – free and safe. I am so thankful for it. Every day, I wake up and I thank the Spirits for guiding me home and saving me from a life of misery. Every day, I wake up and see my sweet Tamra lying next to me, and I realize that I am so fortunate to have her back, to have this second chance at life. I have the rest of my life with her. I finally have my life back, the lost life I sought for twenty years and that had always been just out of my reach. I have found the rest of my life here, in Narayan, my home._


End file.
